Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
