He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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