oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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