why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
