Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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