What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
