my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
