is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
