I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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