Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
