he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
