Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
