just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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