Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
