So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
