I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
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