She's JV to your varsity
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
