Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't deserve a penis
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
