TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
