i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
