She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
