He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
