i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm both gender and math confused
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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