If that was your dad, he is hot
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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