nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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