I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
