yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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