sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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