6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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