hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
