I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
