Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
