Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
