so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize