unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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