i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
