if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We left the knife in your bed.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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