I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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