Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
