The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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