My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
