Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My bed smells like the plague
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
