remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
