For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
