hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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