he thought i was a dude.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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