Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
