I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
