oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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