I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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