I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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