I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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